Masturbation, Prostitution and Consternation

      (A Modern Pilgrim's Progress)

These are key ways to relate to women

if you don’t know how to express yourself live,

don’t know how to contain yourself live,

and don’t have the will to continue trying.

If you come across as a drowning man

in need of a woman, it can get you in trouble,

not serious trouble if you are benign,

but pathetic, because you are strange,

unpracticed in the social arts of nuanced affection

and new-friend interaction.

The way for you to get on in this world,

with the least trouble and most enjoyment is: 

Masturbation, Prostitution and Consternation,

judiciously mixed and applied in secret,

told only to friends or on the page.