Dressing The Mounties 

(On the question of whether Sikhs in uniform might wrap their heads)

I am fairly egalitarian,

would like other people to have some rights,

abhor all things totalitarian,

and generally speaking, despise fights.

But a Mountie wrapping his head in a turban

is where I draw the line,

put my foot down, spill my bourbon:

What is this country if not mine?

You might as well have women topless

wearing those pants with yellow stripes.

Wouldn’t we all be better off copless

than establishing such prototypes? 

Whoa Canada! Your only symbol,

not counting the Maple Leaf and Beaver.

We have no more of this than would fill a thimble,

and here it is being used as a lever

Over our heads and up our asses,

against our wishes, to crush our souls,

wreak havoc upon the minds of the masses

and further obscure our lost goals. 

But maybe the thing to do in this case,

as in many others, is roll with the punches,

perhaps there is wisdom in a vast space

that keeps us from facing many crunches.

Consider young women wearing the veil,

will they not, in sneakers, make better Mounties?

At least in the eyes of those who rail

for hijabs and multi-cultural bounties?

And there’s room here for private enterprise.

In the rest of this thesis I’ll show how

to save money and extemporize,

allowing Mounties to ride cow,

Although, if that hurt anybody’s feelings

in any far-off, religious place,

we would cancel that part of our general dealings

in farce so they could save face.

But we might design costumes year after year,

putting money in various textiles and ads,

so that every Mountie, without fear,

could choose her costume, regardless of fads.

It would mean more business for Montreal,

and a higher morale on The Force;

it would mean more acceptance of one and all,

and a bigger laugh for the horse.